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So fat!
It’s not that I don’t like to laugh at fat people. In fact, if someone said something funny about someone else being fat, I would probably laugh. But the fact of being fat alone isn’t funny. I don’t...
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Being a Bridesmaid
What is more humiliating than spending thousands of dollars on crap you don’t want or enjoy and then parading around in an unflattering dress and hairstyle for a friend you no longer stay in touch...
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My Favorite Parts of the Wedding
As I exited the church in the bridal procession, S. and her date (our friend from college) inappropriately applauded from the pews. “Good job!” “Whoooo!” “Don’t fall!”A fellow bridesmaid informed me...
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Article 21
My boss just pulled me into the scary conference room (reserved for interviewing, firing, reviewing, etc.) and asked if I had been interviewing Friday instead of attending my "possibly fabricated"...
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One More Post About the Wedding Weekend (Alternate Title: Men Are Crazy)
I leaned over during the rehearsal dinner and whispered in Re-Boyfriend’s ear, “Do you think she’s going to have kids soon? That’s so weird because she’s so young. But I guess if you get married, you...
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Rejected Opportunity
My friend’s company is trying to consolidate their office space and free up a large enough area to rent out for some extra cash. To that end, they are encouraging people to work from home part-time....
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People Love to Play On My Domestication Anxieties
It started before we were even in the building.“Ha,” my recently engaged friend said, pointing to Re-Boyfriend's and my last names, taped above our mailbox door. “Didn’t you guys forget the...
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Article 17
A steam pipe burst in midtown Manhattan yesterday and asbestos was released into the air via mud and debris that erupted out of the ground. If you live in New York, you obviously already know this. If...
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I Didn't Get Into A Club and I'm Not Afraid to Admit It Anonymously
Saturday night S., a few of our friends and I were blatantly rejected from a club. We were told we weren’t “on the list” which is code for "You don’t look rich/powerful/beautiful enough to come in...
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Article 15
So Re-Boyfriend left about a week ago for work. I didn't say anything because who wanted to talk about missing him? Not me. I was too busy falling into a spiral of reality television and toaster...
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My Present
Re-Boyfriend calls it "Mini-CB." And it just occurred to me that he thought he was being really funny when he told me that he bought me "something small."
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Crazy. In Love.
I have been told that other people do not think about the possibility of their relationship ending every single day. Then again, I have been told I seem like a really chill girlfriend, so who the hell...
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Well, We Got In This Time
We went back to the clubhref>. We had to prove it wasn’t too cool for us.“One drink and then we go,” I told S. as we crossed the street. “I don’t want to hang out here all night, all the men look...
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Article 11
I arrived at the subway station this morning only to be informed by an exasperated policeman that the subways weren't running due to the rain.Riiiight. I thought. Rain. That's probably code for...
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Excuse Me, I'm Having a Bitter Friday
Dear Co-Worker Who Is Irritating the Crap Out of Me Today,Today I heard someone comment on your "really good relationship" with the president of our company. Frankly, I’ve never seen you even speak to...
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My Twenties Are One Big Comparathon
There are certain people that, by their very existence, make me feel like a freak.For example, Re-Boyfriend has a friend who pets (there is no other word) his fiance constantly, pausing only to gaze...
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Health Lessons from Re-Boyfriend
“So I think I have an ulcer,” Re-Boyfriend announced as we walked down 6th avenue.“Why?” I asked, only half-listening. I had heard Re-Boyfriend’s theories of health before, one of the highlights being...
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Curtains
Re-Boyfriend and I never fight anymore. The most critical things we say to one another are “You’re such a little piggy,” (him to me, before kissing me on the nose and dusting crackers off my shirt) or...
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Signed, Troubled with Tampons
This morning I discovered that I had gotten my period. I asked one of my more sympathetic female co-workers if she had a tampon—she did! And it was a tiny little thing I was easily able to slip into my...
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Practicing My Positive Thinking
I’ve had three interviews for a job and heard from someone that knows someone that “things look good”. There was no mention of these interviews before because, as I confessed to S. last night, “I was...
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Article 4
My male (completely platonic) best friend from high school recently had the nerve to find a serious girlfriend, disappear completely, and subsequently marry said girlfriend. I have seen him exactly...
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Meeting The Wife
Oh dear Lord. The Wife was unbearably awesome. She actually made fun of me for not drinking enough. Meanwhile, my alleged friend sat there, mostly immobile, picking at his bok choy throughout...
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What Have You Learned From Your Time As An Assistant?
In the course of the polite conversation everyone wants to have when they find out you’re leaving your job, one of my co-workers just asked what I've learned from my time as an assistant. After I only...
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Article 1
I woke up this morning feeling slightly nauseous. After forcing myself to shower, I lay on the bed in my towel, rubbing my wet hair everywhere. This is a signal for Re-Boyfriend to either a) notice I...
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Article 0
I had a blind-date/meeting with an editor last night. We had planned to have a drink and discuss the possibility of me doing a non-fiction book. This had sounded fairly basic at the time mostly because...
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